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September 05, 2005

An open letter to Michael Moore

Dear Michael,

You have a really narcissistic habit of writing open letters to famous personages who, quite frankly, wouldn't give you the time of day in private which is why you're reduced to ranting at them publically. You've bloviated at everyone from the President of the Aladdin Casino to Al Gore to the United States Senate to, repeatedly, George W. Bush. (In that first one, you addressed the President as "Governor Bush"... really clever, you truly show yourself to be the master of the biting insult.) Now, in your latest, you join the liberal echo chamber in attempting to deflect blame for the catastrophic death toll of Hurricane Katrina on the President, away from those who really deserve it.

Now, you know full well that the important people to whom you address these open letters will never respond, so you probably feel insulated from replies. As I did with an earlier letter that you probably wrote, I have taken the liberty of writing the reply that George W. Bush is far too busy running the executive branch to write.

Friday, September 2nd, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush:

What, you're not going to call him "George"? Or even "governor"? After all, you believe that Bush stole the 2004 election too, right?

Any idea where all our helicopters are? It's Day 5 of Hurricane Katrina and thousands remain stranded in New Orleans and need to be airlifted.

It's now Day 8 of Hurricane Katrina and just about everyone has been evacuated. Army helicopters airlifted tens of thousands to safety.

Where on earth could you have misplaced all our military choppers?

Well, let's see. The Air Force has approximately 518 military aircraft are deployed in Iraq, most of which are not helicopters. The 15th MEU also has 29 helicopters in Iraq. What percentage of total helicopters owned by the United States Armed Forces and the National Guard do you suppose that comprises?

Do you need help finding them? I once lost my car in a Sears parking lot. Man, was that a drag.

BWAHAHAHA!! Excuse me for a moment while I wipe the tears of helpless laughters from my eyes. Now I see, Michael, why you are considered among the funniest men in America. "Sears parking lot"... man, that's classic! Truly, sir, you are a shining wit.

Oops, I made a Spoonerism.

Also, any idea where all our national guard soldiers are?

Why, yes. The vast majority of them, including the vast majorities of the National Guards of Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama, are right here in the United States. Absolutely nobody who is in a position to know has suggested that there's a shortage of National Guardsmen.

We could really use them right now for the type of thing they signed up to do like helping with national disasters. How come they weren't there to begin with?

Well, uh, see, there was this flood. If they'd been there "to begin with", they'd have been wiped out along with everybody else.

Last Thursday I was in south Florida and sat outside while the eye of Hurricane Katrina passed over my head. It was only a Category 1 then but it was pretty nasty. Eleven people died and, as of today, there were still homes without power. That night the weatherman said this storm was on its way to New Orleans. That was Thursday! Did anybody tell you?

Yes, which is why the President declared a state of emergency on Friday. In the meantime, the Democratic governor of Louisiana sat on her thumbs, and the Democratic mayor of New Orleans let hundreds of buses sit idle while his citizens tried desperately to flee the doomed city.

I know you didn't want to interrupt your vacation and I know how you don't like to get bad news. Plus, you had fundraisers to go to and mothers of dead soldiers to ignore and smear. You sure showed her!

Once again Michael shows off his flair for the cheap rhetorical trick. Bush had to "ignore and smear" a "mother(s) of dead soldiers." Note that Moore nowhere mentions why these unfortunates were deserving of such treatment in the President's eyes. This is somewhat akin to the following: Adolf Hitler's parents both died when he was young, therefore anybody who criticizes him is guilty of "smearing an orphan."

By the way, Michael, which is it? Did he ignore the mother(s), or did he smear her(them)? The two are mutually exclusive.

I especially like how, the day after the hurricane, instead of flying to Louisiana, you flew to San Diego to party with your business peeps. Don't let people criticize you for this -- after all, the hurricane was over and what the heck could you do, put your finger in the dike?

Finally Michael says something accurate, albeit with misplaced sarcasm. Is there anyone who doubts that if the President had flown immediately to Louisiana, people like Moore would have found something to criticize in that?

And don't listen to those who, in the coming days, will reveal how you specifically reduced the Army Corps of Engineers' budget for New Orleans this summer for the third year in a row.

Especially don't listen to the New York Times editorial page, which has blasted just about every flood control measure that's been brought before Congress.

You just tell them that even if you hadn't cut the money to fix those levees, there weren't going to be any Army engineers to fix them anyway because you had a much more important construction job for them -- BUILDING DEMOCRACY IN IRAQ!

Moore continues to labor under the hilarious misconception that every single soldier (or even a particularly large percentage of them) is deployed to Iraq. And by the way... I'd argue that building democracy in Iraq is a more important cause than building levees that would be helpless against Nature's greatest fury anyway.

On Day 3, when you finally left your vacation home, I have to say I was moved by how you had your Air Force One pilot descend from the clouds as you flew over New Orleans so you could catch a quick look of the disaster. Hey, I know you couldn't stop and grab a bullhorn and stand on some rubble and act like a commander in chief. Been there done that.

Been there, done that, got no credit for it from Michael Moore.

There will be those who will try to politicize this tragedy and try to use it against you.

Gee, who could that be? Who on Earth would try to crassly exploit a tragedy to politically harm the President?

Just have your people keep pointing that out. Respond to nothing. Even those pesky scientists who predicted this would happen because the water in the Gulf of Mexico is getting hotter and hotter making a storm like this inevitable. Ignore them and all their global warming Chicken Littles.

Global warming is undoubtedly to blame for the sogginess of Michael Moore's french fries. However, a whole bunch of "pesky scientists" say it is not responsible for hurricanes.

There is nothing unusual about a hurricane that was so wide it would be like having one F-4 tornado that stretched from New York to Cleveland.

Hmmm... there's something unusual about my cornflakes this morning. It must be global warming!

No, Mr. Bush, you just stay the course. It's not your fault that 30 percent of New Orleans lives in poverty or that tens of thousands had no transportation to get out of town.

Once again, Michael, you unintentionally speak the truth in sarcasm form. No, it's not the President's fault that 30% of New Orleans lives in poverty. It's not the job of the federal government, and certainly not the job of the executive branch of the federal government, to ensure that every single American is prosperous. That's the job of American citizens. And blame for the tragic fact that tens of thousands lacked the transportation to get out of town is laid squarely at the feet of Ray Nagin, who had that transportation available to his command but dithered until it was too late.

C'mon, they're black! I mean, it's not like this happened to Kennebunkport. Can you imagine leaving white people on their roofs for five days? Don't make me laugh! Race has nothing -- NOTHING -- to do with this!

I started writing about five snarky replies to this, but then I decided, "why bother?" It stands perfectly well on its own.

You hang in there, Mr. Bush. Just try to find a few of our Army helicopters and send them there. Pretend the people of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast are near Tikrit.

And you hang in there as well, Michael. Never, never let the facts get in the way of a good smear. Pretend that George W. Bush is worse than Hitler. Oh, wait, you already do.

P.S. That annoying mother, Cindy Sheehan, is no longer at your ranch. She and dozens of other relatives of the Iraqi War dead are now driving across the country, stopping in many cities along the way. Maybe you can catch up with them before they get to DC on September 21st.

Yes, your pawn, that annoying motherf***er Cindy Sheehan, spewing her hatred of her nation and advocating disastrous policy, has faded away. I bet you are madder than a wet hen that Katrina and Rehnquist pushed her way off the news radar, ain't you?

September 5, 2005 in Hurricane Katrina | Permalink

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Comments

If the breach in the levee had been wider we could have used Michael Moore to plug it. But in doing so the stench would have been worse.

Posted by: Wootten York | Sep 5, 2005 12:58:06 PM

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